Surviving the Completely Unanticipated

June 22, 2009

So you think you know how to deal with everything? Maybe not. Read on, dear readers…

Suppose you’re hiking in a remote area, and you find an isolated valley that isn’t on your map. In the valley is a shack occupied by a clearly inbred family who have, well, interesting lampshades and upholstery, and an unnatural fondness for axes and chainsaws. In this situation, there’s only one thing to do: RUN! Run for your life! Don’t look back, drop your pack if you need speed, and if you hear your buddy screaming, don’t stop – this is “every man for himself” time! The only suggestion for gear is to switch your light hikers for trail running shoes.

Or you find yourselves near an overgrown cemetery or a plague-stricken town filled with cannibal zombies. You don’t have to run quite as quickly; these creatures aren’t terribly intelligent and tend to shamble. Again, the only way to survive is to run. If you have a shotgun, blow the heads off of a couple, as they’ll stop to gorge themselves on their own dead, giving you a head start (no pun intended). If one of your group is bitten, shoot him too. He’ll only turn into one of them.

The worst situation can be avoided by not camping during the three nights of the full moon. If you do find yourself in a tent under a full moon, realize those snufflings and growlings outside your tent probably aren’t rabid raccoons. No, dear readers, they’re werewolves. Your only defense is silver – silver bullets, silver-filled shotgun shells, even a silver letter-opener. A multi-purpose tool may do enough damage to slow a werewolf down, but remember, they’re faster than you, and smarter than the living dead. Try to barricade yourself into your tent or a cave, and don’t come out until daylight. Then GO HOME!

(oops — Don’t forget about vampires! Carry lots of garlic, a flask of holy water, and several wooden stakes. In a pinch you can make stakes from tree branches with your Swiss Army knife!)

And that should keep you ready for anything.


2 Responses to “Surviving the Completely Unanticipated”

  1. Pretty cute!! A fun read. Made me smile. But what’s the deal with the advertisements? Eunice “Eunie” Boeve

  2. leescott58 said

    Oops. I thought I’d fixed those pesky hyperlinks! That’ll teach me, huh? I wrote this first as an entry for my blog, Survival of the Fittest — a blog with tips for wilderness survival. Having run the gamut of avalanche to zebra (OK, maybe not zebras — wolves, though!), I was flat out of ideas. I did this hoping they’d have a sense of humor. They did not. So I put it here, and on Associated Content. Zappos should consider themselves lucky! And don’t click the highlighted words unless the post says it goes to a site or another story! Sorry!

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